ARE YOU A PARENT, ADULT OR CHILD ??? KNOW YOUR EGO STATE.......

Recently I have been reading about transactional analysis , a psychotherapy by Eric Berne. The building block of his therapy is the concept of ego states; these involve a pattern of thinking, feeling and behaviour. We exhibit three kinds of ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. In any social grouping we will predominantly exhibit one or another of these states. But there is one ego state which overall dominates your personality.

PARENT:  In this ego state, our thoughts, attitudes, feelings and behaviour resemble those of parental figures. At times you would have noticed yourself repeating your Mom’s or Dad’s statements or reacted the way they would have. It is the way we relate to others. You can be a controlling parent having rigid rules for everything and usually prohibitive, judgemental and having too many do’s and don’ts. Or you could be a nurturing parent having sympathy and care for other person as well as yourself. At times parent ego state controls and inhibits other ego states and takes decisions.

ADULT: In this ego state the person autonomously and objectively appraises reality and makes judgements. Person is like a self programming computer his focus is on present or current situation. Collecting data/information, solving problem, analysing, decision making etc are what an adult ego state do. Show no or little emotion and use flat tone of voice. Who? What? When? Where? How? Are typical words of an adult ego state.

CHILD: This ego state is a set of feelings, thoughts, attitudes and behaviour patterns which are relics of your childhood. We always carry within ourselves a little boy or girl who feels thinks and behaves in a way we did when we were kids. Child ego state is a predominance of feeling, competence, expresses happiness when demands are fulfilled and unhappiness when demands are unfulfilled.  The child ego state is exhibited behaviourally in two major forms. The adapted child has feelings and behaviour that are under parental influence such as compliance, rebelliousness, withdrawal, inhibition etc. The natural child is spontaneous, creative, shows too much emotion and activity.

We are always operating from any of these ego states. But there is one ego state that dominates your personality. Problems and difference among people occur when they send a message from one ego state but the response comes from an ego state different from the one addressed. Well that is a different segment about transactions among these ego states.

Have a good and insightful day J

YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Sometimes we come across people who inspire us in some way. They face loads of hardships in their lives and still they have that spirit that zest for life. Even when they face failures they don’t give up. What makes them different?

Existential and humanistic psychologists emphasize individual existence, freedom and choice.  We define our own meaning in life, and try to make rational decisions despite existing in an irrational universe. It is said that no matter what hardship one faces, one will achieve what he wants if he has the will to fight.

We have the freedom to shape and reshape our own life and identity. Our personality is a continuous process of growth and change. We do not possess a fix self or character or identity. We are always interacting with our environment, taking information, changing, growing, adapting etc. Our life is like a flowing river. Although we have an identity but like the river it is never same from one moment to the next or one place to the next. Our nature is influenced by where we have been, where we going, where we are now and what happened at any time in past or present.

Humanistic psychologists believe that if early childhood events are still influencing you it is because you, as the author of your own fate, are still allowing (often unconsciously) them to do so.  If your bitter experiences are creating a hindrance in your growth, it is because you as an author of your own life are allowing it to control you in a way. Your life and personality are built through experience and we maintain it through choices.

We create our own reality and destiny. Subjectivity, fantasy and intuition are regarded as sources of growth and creativity. So don’t wait until the situation is perfect or until other people agree with you. Don’t wait until your fears vanish or your skill is good. You can achieve anything you want if you are determined to achieve it. You are the author of your own destiny!!!!

WHY THE QUALITIES THAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU IN YOUR PARTNER START TO ANNOY YOU LATER ????

Sweetest love story.... a quiet and inexpressive man meets a fascinating, living, mysterious woman. They were immediately attracted to one another. She saw him as a strong, stable person who would love her and take care of her and they lived happily ever after.... umm not really...

As the inevitable disappointment sets in, she comes to see him as a boring, dull and unadventurous and he comes to see her as irrational, bossy and overemotional. Ironically, the quality in the partner that annoys them most is the very quality that first attracted the partner. Moreover, they perceive differences between them as threatening to their relationship. The husband/boyfriend do not talk to her or express himself or wait on her, she takes it as an evidence that he doesn’t love her. When she talks all the time and fails to wait on him, he concludes the same thing.

Most of the times these differences results from the way partners were raised as children and from their unrealistic, unspoken expectations of what the spouse will do for them. Here, woman comes from a large family in which the men waited on the women. Since it was a large family, one had to be assertive and expressive to gain attention. The guy on the other hand must be the only child in the family in which women waited on the men and men were quiet and inexpressive.

Since the rules are unspoken, disagreements about them are difficult to resolve. All this will lead to disturbed communication and functioning of the relationship. If you really want to work on this relationship, try to communicate more clearly and directly by reflecting feelings and explaining and understanding its intended meaning. Try introspection as well as try taking your spouse perspective, be more empathic towards each other. Try tolerating each other’s differences and explore the meaning of those differences. And plz plz try communicating feelings. Good luck J

BEAUTY IS WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR !!!!

We all have heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or “Beauty is only skin deep”.  It’s always emphasised that we shouldn’t assign too much weight to outward appearance but both in experiments as well as real life, physical appearance is very important to us.

Remember??? the beautiful girls and handsome guys of your college, workplace, neighborhood etc. We all love to look at them, talk about them, wonder about them.

One of the reasons we focus on appearance is that we hold stereotypes based on how people look. We tend to believe that attractive men and women are more poised, interesting, sociable, independent, dominant, exciting, sexy, well adjusted, socially skilled, successful and more masculine (men) and more feminine (women) than unattractive individuals. Well this is even true in most of the cases. One of the reasons for this is, attractive people have spent their lives being liked and treated well by others and are often aware that they are pretty or handsome; it enhances their self esteem and confidence.  

But being beautiful also has a negative side to it. We often perceive beautiful girls as vain and materialistic. Even if the beauty is shy, she would be seen as snobby and arrogant. We also tend to credit their success to their looks not their talents.

Surprisingly, low self esteem is more common in beautiful women than we expect. Some just don’t believe they are attractive. They have a distorted self image and do not believe others who tell them how stunning they are or need a constant reminder of how amazing they are.  They spend a lot on maintaining their looks. They cherish their looks and if they find a winkle, a blemish or a flaw they panic and it takes away all their confidence.

Well, external beauty has no relation to goodness and other qualities. When we meet someone for the first time, we usually react to variety of factors other than looks. We need to stop placing too much importance on something which is just skin deep. A person must be defined by his character, his qualities and not mere looks. If your soul is not beautiful all other things doesn’t matter. Physical beauty is superficial and is not as important as a person’s intellectual, emotional and spiritual qualities. So, be beautiful not just by your looks but deep down to your soul !!!! 

WHY SOME OF US ARE LONELY ????

Close relationships play an important role in our lives. We all seek social and emotional support from our family and friends. Despite a need to establish relationships, many of us are unable to form strong bonds with others, the result is loneliness. Social psychologists define loneliness as an individuals’ emotional and cognitive reaction to having fewer and less satisfying relationships than he or she desires. In contrast, those people who simply do not want friends do not experience loneliness; they simply just desire solitude and tend to spend their leisure time in solitary activities.

The origins of dispositional loneliness include a combination of genetic factors, attachment style, and the opportunity for early social experiences with peers. By attachment style we refer to the degree of security we experience in our interpersonal relationships. It is initially developed through the interactions between infant and caregivers; it is then the infant acquires basic attitudes about self worth and interpersonal trust. Relationships that result in attachment style, which is either fearful-avoidant or preoccupied leads to negative cognitions like pessimism, self blame, mistrust of others etc. Individuals perceive themselves to be giving more than they receive. This perceived lack of reciprocity also leads to feelings of loneliness and not being sufficiently appreciated.

It is found that there is also some genetic component to loneliness. Some of us are predisposed to have more negative affects and feelings of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, fear of intimacy, feeling unappreciated etc. The third factor that results in loneliness is failure to develop social skills. We learn social skills by interacting with people. Researches show children who had attended preschool or had more play-related interactions were better at social skills and were liked more by peers. Without proper social skills people engage in self defeating behaviours like avoidance of others, stressful relationships or shyness or interpersonal aggression etc.

Well, it’s almost impossible to change one’s history by providing different genes or by altering what happened in early mother-child interaction. However, it is possible to learn and acquire new and more appropriate social skills. Some social psychologists suggest cognitive therapy where they try to alter the pattern of negativity which one has developed and encourage new thoughts, perceptions and expectations about social interactions. There are even social skills training where a person can learn how to interact with others in a friendly way, to avoid expressing anger and to make a casual conversation. Learning social skills definitely reduce loneliness to a large extent. While it is not easy to change long established patterns of behaviour and thinking but it can definitely be altered to a great extent with the help of a trained psychologist. As they say, if you want something you’ll have to try hard to get it because no one else is going to do it for you. Good luck J

SPRING CLEAN YOUR LIFE

                 DECLUTTERING CAN BE THERAPEUTIC

Have you ever wondered how energised and alive spring cleaning can make you feel. Letting things go that were occupying space not only your cupboard but your mind as well. It is both therapeutic and purifying at the same time. A cluttered home spreads negativity around us and clutter free home is a happy home. Decluttering is not mere cleaning but is the beginning of change and reorganization in our lives.

Our possessions affect our emotions, they dictate us in a way. Those little unwanted items in our cupboards control us and anchor us to our past. Decluttering our homes can help us to move on from – past relationships, old jobs, ideas that did not work. Sometimes it’s an opportunity to reconsider old forgotten things, hobbies, plans etc.  

Decluttering can be challenging and sometimes we actually end up without the real clean up. Thinking- That dress is so cute.... awww dat was a gift from my father...... I only bought it last summer.... this is so expensive....I like this color ...... I shoudn’t be throwing this away....

But “Be Ruthless” is what Milly Johnson’s “A Spring Affair” teaches us about decluttering. A spring affair is a story about Lou a woman who started clearing up her home and then moved on to clearing out her life. It emphasises the importance of decluttering and how therapeutic it can be. While by reorganizing and redefining your house you actually clear out your mind as well as your life.

Anything you own should be life-enhancing in some way. It should make you feel good and spread positivity round you. It should define you make you feel happy and not drain away your energies.There is nothing wrong with a little bit of sentimentality but holding on to everything can sometimes hold us back from moving ahead and growing in life. Ask yourself, “have I used it in the last six months and will I use it in future?” If the answer is no then throw it away without any second glance.

Start small where there's little attachment. It's easier to get rid of old newspapers and socks than an inherited ornament or a wedding dress. Be systematic and patient. Don't expect to be clutter-free overnight. Listen to your gut and be honest with yourself. As the saying goes 'If in doubt, throw it out'.

Breda, the author of Declutter Therapy says decluttering is a therapeutic process that offers many holistic and practical benefits, it helps us to cut ties with the past, accept the present and create space for the future -- physically, mentally and emotionally.

Our homes are often filled with very useful things. You can lessen any guilt of throwing away your valuables by donating to charity or recycle bins or even putting some garage sale. You can't change the fact that you've spent the money but it's healthy to let someone else enjoy these items. Someone else may need it more than you, will make you feel better. This whole process of getting unwanted things out of your life and making space for future is therapeutic.

Clear your house and clear your mind. Don’t let your life’s clutter dictate you. Throw it away and take back the control. Happy Spring Cleaning J

JONAH COMPLEX: FEAR OF ONES OWN GREATNESS

                          DO WE FEAR SUCCESS????

There would have been situations in your life where you want or wanted something badly, say some promotion, a dream job or admission in your dream university or anything like that but when such an opportunity is right there knocking at your door you just step back.  We want to achieve things, make progress but are in constant dread of making progress. Being successful is somehow fearsome. This fear of success or fear of one’s own greatness is Jonah Complex.

Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist put forward this concept the “Jonah complex” in this book published in 1971. The name comes from the Biblical story of Jonah’s evasion of the destiny to prophesy the destruction of Nineveh. Maslow states, "So often we run away from the responsibilities dictated (or rather suggested) by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, just as Jonah tried—in vain—to run away from his fate. Maslow’s complex refers to the ‘fear of one’s greatness,’ or avoiding our true destiny or calling. Maslow stressed that we fear our best as much as our worst.

We all have an impulse to improve ourselves, to move ahead in life, to grow, to reach our full potential. Then what holds us up? What blocks us? People with Jonah’s Complex have some kind of conflicts in their inner world. Some people realize these inner conflicts but in most of the cases these are repressed in the unconscious.

For Maslow Jonah complex is peoples defense to “run away from one’s own best talents” or “fear one’s own greatness”. Maslow pointed out that we fear doing our best because being at the top entails being lonely and also then they would only be able to move downwards. Hence, many of them spend their life fighting to stay away from being brilliant, fearing that if they would reach their potential it will only make them lonely and stressed. 

We all or atleast most of us fear success somehow and sometimes hold ourselves from trying, giving lame excuses to ourselves and others like .... I don't think I have it in me............ Nah!! its not for me....... I don't deserve it .... Somebody else deserved more etc.

In situations like these  Maslow used to advice, which I think is one of the most motivation phrases I've ever come across “IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?” By this he meant that someone “has to” then why not you? We all have unused potentialities and we all can achieve and deserve much more than we think we do. Overcome your fear of growing up; acknowledge your potentialities and limitations.  Even if you are defeated, you are equally valuable. We cannot avoid unhappiness but we can surely learn to be less scared by brilliance. Always remember, whenever you feel scared and want to give up on your dreams just ask yourself, “someone has to, then why not you?”