WHY THE QUALITIES THAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU IN YOUR PARTNER START TO ANNOY YOU LATER ????

Sweetest love story.... a quiet and inexpressive man meets a fascinating, living, mysterious woman. They were immediately attracted to one another. She saw him as a strong, stable person who would love her and take care of her and they lived happily ever after.... umm not really...

As the inevitable disappointment sets in, she comes to see him as a boring, dull and unadventurous and he comes to see her as irrational, bossy and overemotional. Ironically, the quality in the partner that annoys them most is the very quality that first attracted the partner. Moreover, they perceive differences between them as threatening to their relationship. The husband/boyfriend do not talk to her or express himself or wait on her, she takes it as an evidence that he doesn’t love her. When she talks all the time and fails to wait on him, he concludes the same thing.

Most of the times these differences results from the way partners were raised as children and from their unrealistic, unspoken expectations of what the spouse will do for them. Here, woman comes from a large family in which the men waited on the women. Since it was a large family, one had to be assertive and expressive to gain attention. The guy on the other hand must be the only child in the family in which women waited on the men and men were quiet and inexpressive.

Since the rules are unspoken, disagreements about them are difficult to resolve. All this will lead to disturbed communication and functioning of the relationship. If you really want to work on this relationship, try to communicate more clearly and directly by reflecting feelings and explaining and understanding its intended meaning. Try introspection as well as try taking your spouse perspective, be more empathic towards each other. Try tolerating each other’s differences and explore the meaning of those differences. And plz plz try communicating feelings. Good luck J

HOW TO NOT LET OTHERS MAKE YOU FEEL BAD

There are times when others behave in a certain way that leave us feeling miserable. These emotions make you feel bad about yourself and others and take away your confidence.

Anger, jealousy and sadness are common natural emotions that we feel. These are completely natural emotional states and sometimes even serve a positive purpose like one that calls for a positive action, having rational expectations or considering pros and cons etc. It is rather how we respond to our emotions that lead to good or bad.

Our emotions and feelings in a way direct us and motivate us to process significant events in our life. They seem completely out of our control especially once they are triggered. Negative emotions are like viruses, they contaminate our normal “happy” thought processing and conditioning our mind to function on detrimental feelings and dominating our lives.

Situations like lack of money, a bad relationship, a rude boss, a hateful mother etc. are faced by most of us and its completely ok to feel bad about these situations. But this not how things go, our thoughts are constantly helping us to interpret the world around us, describing what’s happening, and trying to make sense of it by helping us interpret events, sights, sounds, smells, feelings. Without even realising it, we are interpreting and giving our own meanings to everything happening around us. We might decide that something is pleasant or nasty, good or bad, dangerous or safe. Here is when people create their own misery. We start interpreting the situation and end up feeling miserable about ourself.

We start from ....X ignored my hello... who does he think he is ... he always does this to me...everybody does this to me... everybody hates me..... I m so bad .... I hate myself .... why do I even exist and so on.

This is how we create a vicious chain of negative thoughts about oneself and others. When asked people they say it’s quite common for people to think this way and even completely out of their control and if their “others” were a little more considerate about their feelings or their behaviour could be fixed somehow, they’ll be happy.

But sadly we cannot control others, we might influence them to some extent but never control. The only person we can control is ourselves. As it is said nobody can make you feel bad without your consent, yes it is true...but it takes efforts to do so. Nothing good comes easy.

Our emotions are attached to our thoughts e.g. if you pick pink pencil colour you are bound to write pink and if you want to write blue you will have to change your pencil. This simple logic applies with us too. To feel good about a situation you’ll have to replace negative thought with a positive thought. First of all you’ll need to get hold of your immediate thought and feeling that is evoked by a triggering situation, now replace that thought with an alternate more positive thought and you’ll be left feeling better about a situation immediately.

This is a therapy which psychologists use with their clients, which I am going to write in my next blog i.e. detailed ways to control your emotions.