BEAUTY IS WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR !!!!

We all have heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or “Beauty is only skin deep”.  It’s always emphasised that we shouldn’t assign too much weight to outward appearance but both in experiments as well as real life, physical appearance is very important to us.

Remember??? the beautiful girls and handsome guys of your college, workplace, neighborhood etc. We all love to look at them, talk about them, wonder about them.

One of the reasons we focus on appearance is that we hold stereotypes based on how people look. We tend to believe that attractive men and women are more poised, interesting, sociable, independent, dominant, exciting, sexy, well adjusted, socially skilled, successful and more masculine (men) and more feminine (women) than unattractive individuals. Well this is even true in most of the cases. One of the reasons for this is, attractive people have spent their lives being liked and treated well by others and are often aware that they are pretty or handsome; it enhances their self esteem and confidence.  

But being beautiful also has a negative side to it. We often perceive beautiful girls as vain and materialistic. Even if the beauty is shy, she would be seen as snobby and arrogant. We also tend to credit their success to their looks not their talents.

Surprisingly, low self esteem is more common in beautiful women than we expect. Some just don’t believe they are attractive. They have a distorted self image and do not believe others who tell them how stunning they are or need a constant reminder of how amazing they are.  They spend a lot on maintaining their looks. They cherish their looks and if they find a winkle, a blemish or a flaw they panic and it takes away all their confidence.

Well, external beauty has no relation to goodness and other qualities. When we meet someone for the first time, we usually react to variety of factors other than looks. We need to stop placing too much importance on something which is just skin deep. A person must be defined by his character, his qualities and not mere looks. If your soul is not beautiful all other things doesn’t matter. Physical beauty is superficial and is not as important as a person’s intellectual, emotional and spiritual qualities. So, be beautiful not just by your looks but deep down to your soul !!!! 

WHY SOME OF US ARE LONELY ????

Close relationships play an important role in our lives. We all seek social and emotional support from our family and friends. Despite a need to establish relationships, many of us are unable to form strong bonds with others, the result is loneliness. Social psychologists define loneliness as an individuals’ emotional and cognitive reaction to having fewer and less satisfying relationships than he or she desires. In contrast, those people who simply do not want friends do not experience loneliness; they simply just desire solitude and tend to spend their leisure time in solitary activities.

The origins of dispositional loneliness include a combination of genetic factors, attachment style, and the opportunity for early social experiences with peers. By attachment style we refer to the degree of security we experience in our interpersonal relationships. It is initially developed through the interactions between infant and caregivers; it is then the infant acquires basic attitudes about self worth and interpersonal trust. Relationships that result in attachment style, which is either fearful-avoidant or preoccupied leads to negative cognitions like pessimism, self blame, mistrust of others etc. Individuals perceive themselves to be giving more than they receive. This perceived lack of reciprocity also leads to feelings of loneliness and not being sufficiently appreciated.

It is found that there is also some genetic component to loneliness. Some of us are predisposed to have more negative affects and feelings of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, fear of intimacy, feeling unappreciated etc. The third factor that results in loneliness is failure to develop social skills. We learn social skills by interacting with people. Researches show children who had attended preschool or had more play-related interactions were better at social skills and were liked more by peers. Without proper social skills people engage in self defeating behaviours like avoidance of others, stressful relationships or shyness or interpersonal aggression etc.

Well, it’s almost impossible to change one’s history by providing different genes or by altering what happened in early mother-child interaction. However, it is possible to learn and acquire new and more appropriate social skills. Some social psychologists suggest cognitive therapy where they try to alter the pattern of negativity which one has developed and encourage new thoughts, perceptions and expectations about social interactions. There are even social skills training where a person can learn how to interact with others in a friendly way, to avoid expressing anger and to make a casual conversation. Learning social skills definitely reduce loneliness to a large extent. While it is not easy to change long established patterns of behaviour and thinking but it can definitely be altered to a great extent with the help of a trained psychologist. As they say, if you want something you’ll have to try hard to get it because no one else is going to do it for you. Good luck J