WHY SOME OF US ARE LONELY ????

Close relationships play an important role in our lives. We all seek social and emotional support from our family and friends. Despite a need to establish relationships, many of us are unable to form strong bonds with others, the result is loneliness. Social psychologists define loneliness as an individuals’ emotional and cognitive reaction to having fewer and less satisfying relationships than he or she desires. In contrast, those people who simply do not want friends do not experience loneliness; they simply just desire solitude and tend to spend their leisure time in solitary activities.

The origins of dispositional loneliness include a combination of genetic factors, attachment style, and the opportunity for early social experiences with peers. By attachment style we refer to the degree of security we experience in our interpersonal relationships. It is initially developed through the interactions between infant and caregivers; it is then the infant acquires basic attitudes about self worth and interpersonal trust. Relationships that result in attachment style, which is either fearful-avoidant or preoccupied leads to negative cognitions like pessimism, self blame, mistrust of others etc. Individuals perceive themselves to be giving more than they receive. This perceived lack of reciprocity also leads to feelings of loneliness and not being sufficiently appreciated.

It is found that there is also some genetic component to loneliness. Some of us are predisposed to have more negative affects and feelings of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, fear of intimacy, feeling unappreciated etc. The third factor that results in loneliness is failure to develop social skills. We learn social skills by interacting with people. Researches show children who had attended preschool or had more play-related interactions were better at social skills and were liked more by peers. Without proper social skills people engage in self defeating behaviours like avoidance of others, stressful relationships or shyness or interpersonal aggression etc.

Well, it’s almost impossible to change one’s history by providing different genes or by altering what happened in early mother-child interaction. However, it is possible to learn and acquire new and more appropriate social skills. Some social psychologists suggest cognitive therapy where they try to alter the pattern of negativity which one has developed and encourage new thoughts, perceptions and expectations about social interactions. There are even social skills training where a person can learn how to interact with others in a friendly way, to avoid expressing anger and to make a casual conversation. Learning social skills definitely reduce loneliness to a large extent. While it is not easy to change long established patterns of behaviour and thinking but it can definitely be altered to a great extent with the help of a trained psychologist. As they say, if you want something you’ll have to try hard to get it because no one else is going to do it for you. Good luck J