BEAUTY IS WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR !!!!

We all have heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or “Beauty is only skin deep”.  It’s always emphasised that we shouldn’t assign too much weight to outward appearance but both in experiments as well as real life, physical appearance is very important to us.

Remember??? the beautiful girls and handsome guys of your college, workplace, neighborhood etc. We all love to look at them, talk about them, wonder about them.

One of the reasons we focus on appearance is that we hold stereotypes based on how people look. We tend to believe that attractive men and women are more poised, interesting, sociable, independent, dominant, exciting, sexy, well adjusted, socially skilled, successful and more masculine (men) and more feminine (women) than unattractive individuals. Well this is even true in most of the cases. One of the reasons for this is, attractive people have spent their lives being liked and treated well by others and are often aware that they are pretty or handsome; it enhances their self esteem and confidence.  

But being beautiful also has a negative side to it. We often perceive beautiful girls as vain and materialistic. Even if the beauty is shy, she would be seen as snobby and arrogant. We also tend to credit their success to their looks not their talents.

Surprisingly, low self esteem is more common in beautiful women than we expect. Some just don’t believe they are attractive. They have a distorted self image and do not believe others who tell them how stunning they are or need a constant reminder of how amazing they are.  They spend a lot on maintaining their looks. They cherish their looks and if they find a winkle, a blemish or a flaw they panic and it takes away all their confidence.

Well, external beauty has no relation to goodness and other qualities. When we meet someone for the first time, we usually react to variety of factors other than looks. We need to stop placing too much importance on something which is just skin deep. A person must be defined by his character, his qualities and not mere looks. If your soul is not beautiful all other things doesn’t matter. Physical beauty is superficial and is not as important as a person’s intellectual, emotional and spiritual qualities. So, be beautiful not just by your looks but deep down to your soul !!!! 

WHY SOME OF US ARE LONELY ????

Close relationships play an important role in our lives. We all seek social and emotional support from our family and friends. Despite a need to establish relationships, many of us are unable to form strong bonds with others, the result is loneliness. Social psychologists define loneliness as an individuals’ emotional and cognitive reaction to having fewer and less satisfying relationships than he or she desires. In contrast, those people who simply do not want friends do not experience loneliness; they simply just desire solitude and tend to spend their leisure time in solitary activities.

The origins of dispositional loneliness include a combination of genetic factors, attachment style, and the opportunity for early social experiences with peers. By attachment style we refer to the degree of security we experience in our interpersonal relationships. It is initially developed through the interactions between infant and caregivers; it is then the infant acquires basic attitudes about self worth and interpersonal trust. Relationships that result in attachment style, which is either fearful-avoidant or preoccupied leads to negative cognitions like pessimism, self blame, mistrust of others etc. Individuals perceive themselves to be giving more than they receive. This perceived lack of reciprocity also leads to feelings of loneliness and not being sufficiently appreciated.

It is found that there is also some genetic component to loneliness. Some of us are predisposed to have more negative affects and feelings of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, fear of intimacy, feeling unappreciated etc. The third factor that results in loneliness is failure to develop social skills. We learn social skills by interacting with people. Researches show children who had attended preschool or had more play-related interactions were better at social skills and were liked more by peers. Without proper social skills people engage in self defeating behaviours like avoidance of others, stressful relationships or shyness or interpersonal aggression etc.

Well, it’s almost impossible to change one’s history by providing different genes or by altering what happened in early mother-child interaction. However, it is possible to learn and acquire new and more appropriate social skills. Some social psychologists suggest cognitive therapy where they try to alter the pattern of negativity which one has developed and encourage new thoughts, perceptions and expectations about social interactions. There are even social skills training where a person can learn how to interact with others in a friendly way, to avoid expressing anger and to make a casual conversation. Learning social skills definitely reduce loneliness to a large extent. While it is not easy to change long established patterns of behaviour and thinking but it can definitely be altered to a great extent with the help of a trained psychologist. As they say, if you want something you’ll have to try hard to get it because no one else is going to do it for you. Good luck J

SPRING CLEAN YOUR LIFE

                 DECLUTTERING CAN BE THERAPEUTIC

Have you ever wondered how energised and alive spring cleaning can make you feel. Letting things go that were occupying space not only your cupboard but your mind as well. It is both therapeutic and purifying at the same time. A cluttered home spreads negativity around us and clutter free home is a happy home. Decluttering is not mere cleaning but is the beginning of change and reorganization in our lives.

Our possessions affect our emotions, they dictate us in a way. Those little unwanted items in our cupboards control us and anchor us to our past. Decluttering our homes can help us to move on from – past relationships, old jobs, ideas that did not work. Sometimes it’s an opportunity to reconsider old forgotten things, hobbies, plans etc.  

Decluttering can be challenging and sometimes we actually end up without the real clean up. Thinking- That dress is so cute.... awww dat was a gift from my father...... I only bought it last summer.... this is so expensive....I like this color ...... I shoudn’t be throwing this away....

But “Be Ruthless” is what Milly Johnson’s “A Spring Affair” teaches us about decluttering. A spring affair is a story about Lou a woman who started clearing up her home and then moved on to clearing out her life. It emphasises the importance of decluttering and how therapeutic it can be. While by reorganizing and redefining your house you actually clear out your mind as well as your life.

Anything you own should be life-enhancing in some way. It should make you feel good and spread positivity round you. It should define you make you feel happy and not drain away your energies.There is nothing wrong with a little bit of sentimentality but holding on to everything can sometimes hold us back from moving ahead and growing in life. Ask yourself, “have I used it in the last six months and will I use it in future?” If the answer is no then throw it away without any second glance.

Start small where there's little attachment. It's easier to get rid of old newspapers and socks than an inherited ornament or a wedding dress. Be systematic and patient. Don't expect to be clutter-free overnight. Listen to your gut and be honest with yourself. As the saying goes 'If in doubt, throw it out'.

Breda, the author of Declutter Therapy says decluttering is a therapeutic process that offers many holistic and practical benefits, it helps us to cut ties with the past, accept the present and create space for the future -- physically, mentally and emotionally.

Our homes are often filled with very useful things. You can lessen any guilt of throwing away your valuables by donating to charity or recycle bins or even putting some garage sale. You can't change the fact that you've spent the money but it's healthy to let someone else enjoy these items. Someone else may need it more than you, will make you feel better. This whole process of getting unwanted things out of your life and making space for future is therapeutic.

Clear your house and clear your mind. Don’t let your life’s clutter dictate you. Throw it away and take back the control. Happy Spring Cleaning J

JONAH COMPLEX: FEAR OF ONES OWN GREATNESS

                          DO WE FEAR SUCCESS????

There would have been situations in your life where you want or wanted something badly, say some promotion, a dream job or admission in your dream university or anything like that but when such an opportunity is right there knocking at your door you just step back.  We want to achieve things, make progress but are in constant dread of making progress. Being successful is somehow fearsome. This fear of success or fear of one’s own greatness is Jonah Complex.

Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist put forward this concept the “Jonah complex” in this book published in 1971. The name comes from the Biblical story of Jonah’s evasion of the destiny to prophesy the destruction of Nineveh. Maslow states, "So often we run away from the responsibilities dictated (or rather suggested) by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, just as Jonah tried—in vain—to run away from his fate. Maslow’s complex refers to the ‘fear of one’s greatness,’ or avoiding our true destiny or calling. Maslow stressed that we fear our best as much as our worst.

We all have an impulse to improve ourselves, to move ahead in life, to grow, to reach our full potential. Then what holds us up? What blocks us? People with Jonah’s Complex have some kind of conflicts in their inner world. Some people realize these inner conflicts but in most of the cases these are repressed in the unconscious.

For Maslow Jonah complex is peoples defense to “run away from one’s own best talents” or “fear one’s own greatness”. Maslow pointed out that we fear doing our best because being at the top entails being lonely and also then they would only be able to move downwards. Hence, many of them spend their life fighting to stay away from being brilliant, fearing that if they would reach their potential it will only make them lonely and stressed. 

We all or atleast most of us fear success somehow and sometimes hold ourselves from trying, giving lame excuses to ourselves and others like .... I don't think I have it in me............ Nah!! its not for me....... I don't deserve it .... Somebody else deserved more etc.

In situations like these  Maslow used to advice, which I think is one of the most motivation phrases I've ever come across “IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?” By this he meant that someone “has to” then why not you? We all have unused potentialities and we all can achieve and deserve much more than we think we do. Overcome your fear of growing up; acknowledge your potentialities and limitations.  Even if you are defeated, you are equally valuable. We cannot avoid unhappiness but we can surely learn to be less scared by brilliance. Always remember, whenever you feel scared and want to give up on your dreams just ask yourself, “someone has to, then why not you?”

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS AND DEPRESSION

Learned helplessness is a state where a person feels helpless to avoid a negative or unpleasant situation. This tendency is generally formed over several repeated encounters with an aversive stimuli/situation, which leads him to believe that he has no control over them. Sometimes the situation/aversive stimuli are escapable, but the person does not make any effort to get out of the situation. This happens because subsequently the person learns; all his effort will go in vain.

American psychologist Martin Seligman discovered this phenomenon of learned helplessness in an unexpected fashion. He and his colleagues were testing a particular learning theory on dogs, which involved giving electric shocks to dogs such that they couldn't avoid them. Later in the experiment, the dogs were put in open boxes from which they could escape, when given a shock. But, to the researcher’s surprise, the dogs made no attempt to escape i.e. when an animal is repeatedly exposed to an aversive stimulus which it cannot escape, it eventually stops trying to avoid the stimulus and behaves as if it is helpless to change the situation even when opportunities to escape become available.

Similarly in reactive depression a person faces series of negative uncontrollable events/stress (loss of relative/lover, failures, being dismissed from job etc). He/she feels they have no control over things that were happening to them. So, they give up trying. They learn that they are helpless and subsequently apply that piece of learning to any new situation too, even when they aren't helpless.

According to Seligman, people who suffer a series of such setbacks in life begin to believe that they have no control over any of the events in their lives’ and no matter what they do, things will turn out badly in the end. Therefore they give up trying, see themselves as failures and lose all motivation and interest in life.

The theory of learned helplessness also has been applied to many conditions and behaviours, including clinical depression, aging, violence, poverty, discrimination, parenting, academic achievement, drug abuse, and alcoholism , where a person shows a general inability or unwillingness to act, including low self-esteem, chronic failure, sadness, and physical illness.

In treating reactive depression cognitive behavioural therapy plays a vital role. The basic principle that underlies behavioural therapy is that if a thing can be learned it can be unlearned too. In case of such reactive depressions learned helplessness clearly explains why individuals may accept and remain passive in negative situations despite their clear ability to change them. Therapists here aim to break the conditioned conviction that “nothing will ever work”, by giving them simple tasks at which he/she can succeed, develop confidence and then move to harder ones.

Seligman says that the only way to help people who suffer from ‘learned helplessness’ depression is showing them that they can operate and deal effectively with their environment and are not mere victims of their fate. REMEMBER IT’S JUST A BAD DAY NOT A BAD LIFE!!!!!

HAVE COURAGE AND BE KIND: CINDERELLA

The much talked about movie Cinderella was as wonderful as expected.... have you watched it lately? Ella is different from the girls of her kingdom. She believes in the magic of kindness and power of courage, this is what makes her different. It’s her true inner beauty for which the prince falls, when he meets her in the woods before the ball.

Courage is a universally admired virtue, and courageous individuals in all cultures have survived against all odds to become the heroes of subsequent generation.

Courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. Not every risk taking activity can be signified as courage. A mugger might be facing risk, uncertainty and fear but to call him courageous would be to defame the trait. Good intent is an essential component of courage. It is a part that lets us admire it and that touches us when we see it in action.

Interestingly it is this goodness or kindness that keeps us from recognising our own courage. When Biswas- Diener (positive psychologist) interviewed courageous people in his research most of them didn’t see their actions as anything special. “Anybody would have done the same thing”, they would tell them. We are courageous because it seems like the right thing to do, because it’s what we expect of ourselves or what we believe that others expect of us.

Courage can be physical, moral or vital courage. Physical courage involves the maintenance of societal good by expression of physical behaviour. Moral courage involves the preservation of justice and service of common good. Vital courage refers to perseverance through a disease or disability even when the outcome is ambiguous.  

Life is not fair, at times we are surrounded by difficult people and situations, instead of returning evil for evil choose to be kind towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for any advantage, but for that person. The Cinderella's tale teaches us to live in the present moment, enjoying simple pleasures and maintaining an optimistic attitude.

Courage and kindness is shortest route to good life.  Courage is also wisdom, knowing when to act and when not to act. Disney teaches moral values and virtues which are indeed important for leading a fulfilling life. The universal virtues of courage and kindness are basis for our wellbeing and happiness.  These virtues help us develop our full potential and lead a more purposeful life. Be the master of your own destiny. Take risks and work hard. Have courage and be kind, where there is kindness there is goodness and where there is goodness there is magic. Believe in yourself and magic will follow.

                                                         

WHAT DOES YOUR FAVOURITE COLOR SAYS ABOUT YOU (COLOR PSYCHOLOGY)

                  

What is your favourite color? What color appeals to you the most? Don’t overthink this, answer this question spontaneously. It’s okay to have two or three favourite colors. Write that down, this is the key to your personality color.

It is this instinctual choice of a color that tells a lot about your. It’s a way to understand your behaviour and personality traits, reflecting your strengths and weaknesses. The colors you dislike are also of great importance as they reflect your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Your personality color is usually your favourite color, the color that excites you the most and makes you feel alive when you see it and not the one which you wear most of the time. Often you will find a tendency to choose a specific color or colors, which suggests that these are your personality colors.

RED: Red is the color of energy, passion, action, ambition and determination. It is also the color of anger. People with red personality type are usually quite active, cheerful and optimistic. These people are quite competitive and are not willing to settle for second best. On a negative side they are impulsive and have lack of patience. Egoism and narcissism are also important negative traits of them. Many famous artists, actors, and vagabonds exhibit characteristics of red color personality type.

BLUE:  Blue is the color of trust and peace. It can suggest loyalty and integrity as well as conservatism and frigidity. Lovers of blue have a deep need to find inner peace and truth, to live their life according to their ideals and beliefs. The blue color personality type typically has a lot of friends, many of these friends they know from childhood. They are very loyal in all their relationships, including romantic relationships.

GREEN: According to color psychology, people with strong preference for green strive for safety, security and acknowledgement. They need to love and be loved. Green is the color of balance and growth. It can mean both self-reliance as a positive and possessiveness as a negative, among many other meanings.

YELLOW: Optimism, confidence, self-esteem, extraversion, emotional strength, friendliness, creativity are common traits of yellow color personality type. With a personality color yellow, one can be very critical of himself as well as others - they are a perfectionist. They are generally impulsive, make quick decisions and can be anxious at times.

ORANGE: Orange is the color of social communication and optimism. Physical comfort, warmth, security, sensuality, passion, abundance, fun are traits of this personality type. From a negative color meaning it is also a sign of pessimism and superficiality.

PURPLE OR VIOLET:  The person is likely to have a deep need for emotional security and to create order and perfection in all areas of your life, including your spiritual life. The color violet inspires unconditional and selfless love, devoid of ego, encouraging sensitivity and compassion but is often impractical, with a great imagination, dreaming of an idealistic future world where they exclude the ugly side of reality - tend to look at life through rose-colored glasses.

If your personality color is pink you have a deep need to be accepted and loved unconditionally.

BROWN: “Brown” people enjoy simple life, having good friends and close relationships is what makes them happy. They are friendly yet serious, down-to-earth color that relates to security, protection, comfort and material wealth.

WHITE: White is a color that is complete and pure in itself and also the color of perfection. The color meaning of white is purity, innocence, wholeness and completion. White personality type is about looking for simplicity, openness and purity.

BLACK: Black is the color of the hidden, the secretive and the unknown, creating an air of mystery. It keeps things bottled up inside, hidden from the world. Black color personality is independent and strong-willed and sophisticated. Personality color black was described by color psychologists as decisive, powerful and confident, people with this personality type will make excellent leaders or entrepreneurs.

GREY: Grey is solid and stable, creating a sense of calm and composure, relief from a chaotic world. The person is neutral about life, often to the point of being indifferent. They are often trying to protect themselves from the chaotic world, even to the point of isolating themselves from others, leaving them with the feeling that they don't really fit in or belong anywhere.

GOLD:  Gold is the color of success, achievement and triumph. Associated with abundance and prosperity, luxury and quality, prestige and sophistication, value and elegance, the color psychology of gold implies affluence, material wealth and extravagance.

SILVER: Silver has a feminine energy. It is soothing, calming and purifying, emotional, sensitive and mysterious. They are gracious, gentle, non-aggressive with strong values and morals. They are imaginative and creative, particularly in expressing themselves with written world.