ARE YOU A PARENT, ADULT OR CHILD ??? KNOW YOUR EGO STATE.......

Recently I have been reading about transactional analysis , a psychotherapy by Eric Berne. The building block of his therapy is the concept of ego states; these involve a pattern of thinking, feeling and behaviour. We exhibit three kinds of ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. In any social grouping we will predominantly exhibit one or another of these states. But there is one ego state which overall dominates your personality.

PARENT:  In this ego state, our thoughts, attitudes, feelings and behaviour resemble those of parental figures. At times you would have noticed yourself repeating your Mom’s or Dad’s statements or reacted the way they would have. It is the way we relate to others. You can be a controlling parent having rigid rules for everything and usually prohibitive, judgemental and having too many do’s and don’ts. Or you could be a nurturing parent having sympathy and care for other person as well as yourself. At times parent ego state controls and inhibits other ego states and takes decisions.

ADULT: In this ego state the person autonomously and objectively appraises reality and makes judgements. Person is like a self programming computer his focus is on present or current situation. Collecting data/information, solving problem, analysing, decision making etc are what an adult ego state do. Show no or little emotion and use flat tone of voice. Who? What? When? Where? How? Are typical words of an adult ego state.

CHILD: This ego state is a set of feelings, thoughts, attitudes and behaviour patterns which are relics of your childhood. We always carry within ourselves a little boy or girl who feels thinks and behaves in a way we did when we were kids. Child ego state is a predominance of feeling, competence, expresses happiness when demands are fulfilled and unhappiness when demands are unfulfilled.  The child ego state is exhibited behaviourally in two major forms. The adapted child has feelings and behaviour that are under parental influence such as compliance, rebelliousness, withdrawal, inhibition etc. The natural child is spontaneous, creative, shows too much emotion and activity.

We are always operating from any of these ego states. But there is one ego state that dominates your personality. Problems and difference among people occur when they send a message from one ego state but the response comes from an ego state different from the one addressed. Well that is a different segment about transactions among these ego states.

Have a good and insightful day J

YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF YOUR OWN LIFE

Sometimes we come across people who inspire us in some way. They face loads of hardships in their lives and still they have that spirit that zest for life. Even when they face failures they don’t give up. What makes them different?

Existential and humanistic psychologists emphasize individual existence, freedom and choice.  We define our own meaning in life, and try to make rational decisions despite existing in an irrational universe. It is said that no matter what hardship one faces, one will achieve what he wants if he has the will to fight.

We have the freedom to shape and reshape our own life and identity. Our personality is a continuous process of growth and change. We do not possess a fix self or character or identity. We are always interacting with our environment, taking information, changing, growing, adapting etc. Our life is like a flowing river. Although we have an identity but like the river it is never same from one moment to the next or one place to the next. Our nature is influenced by where we have been, where we going, where we are now and what happened at any time in past or present.

Humanistic psychologists believe that if early childhood events are still influencing you it is because you, as the author of your own fate, are still allowing (often unconsciously) them to do so.  If your bitter experiences are creating a hindrance in your growth, it is because you as an author of your own life are allowing it to control you in a way. Your life and personality are built through experience and we maintain it through choices.

We create our own reality and destiny. Subjectivity, fantasy and intuition are regarded as sources of growth and creativity. So don’t wait until the situation is perfect or until other people agree with you. Don’t wait until your fears vanish or your skill is good. You can achieve anything you want if you are determined to achieve it. You are the author of your own destiny!!!!

WHY THE QUALITIES THAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU IN YOUR PARTNER START TO ANNOY YOU LATER ????

Sweetest love story.... a quiet and inexpressive man meets a fascinating, living, mysterious woman. They were immediately attracted to one another. She saw him as a strong, stable person who would love her and take care of her and they lived happily ever after.... umm not really...

As the inevitable disappointment sets in, she comes to see him as a boring, dull and unadventurous and he comes to see her as irrational, bossy and overemotional. Ironically, the quality in the partner that annoys them most is the very quality that first attracted the partner. Moreover, they perceive differences between them as threatening to their relationship. The husband/boyfriend do not talk to her or express himself or wait on her, she takes it as an evidence that he doesn’t love her. When she talks all the time and fails to wait on him, he concludes the same thing.

Most of the times these differences results from the way partners were raised as children and from their unrealistic, unspoken expectations of what the spouse will do for them. Here, woman comes from a large family in which the men waited on the women. Since it was a large family, one had to be assertive and expressive to gain attention. The guy on the other hand must be the only child in the family in which women waited on the men and men were quiet and inexpressive.

Since the rules are unspoken, disagreements about them are difficult to resolve. All this will lead to disturbed communication and functioning of the relationship. If you really want to work on this relationship, try to communicate more clearly and directly by reflecting feelings and explaining and understanding its intended meaning. Try introspection as well as try taking your spouse perspective, be more empathic towards each other. Try tolerating each other’s differences and explore the meaning of those differences. And plz plz try communicating feelings. Good luck J

BEAUTY IS WHAT YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF NOT WHAT YOU SEE IN THE MIRROR !!!!

We all have heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” or “Beauty is only skin deep”.  It’s always emphasised that we shouldn’t assign too much weight to outward appearance but both in experiments as well as real life, physical appearance is very important to us.

Remember??? the beautiful girls and handsome guys of your college, workplace, neighborhood etc. We all love to look at them, talk about them, wonder about them.

One of the reasons we focus on appearance is that we hold stereotypes based on how people look. We tend to believe that attractive men and women are more poised, interesting, sociable, independent, dominant, exciting, sexy, well adjusted, socially skilled, successful and more masculine (men) and more feminine (women) than unattractive individuals. Well this is even true in most of the cases. One of the reasons for this is, attractive people have spent their lives being liked and treated well by others and are often aware that they are pretty or handsome; it enhances their self esteem and confidence.  

But being beautiful also has a negative side to it. We often perceive beautiful girls as vain and materialistic. Even if the beauty is shy, she would be seen as snobby and arrogant. We also tend to credit their success to their looks not their talents.

Surprisingly, low self esteem is more common in beautiful women than we expect. Some just don’t believe they are attractive. They have a distorted self image and do not believe others who tell them how stunning they are or need a constant reminder of how amazing they are.  They spend a lot on maintaining their looks. They cherish their looks and if they find a winkle, a blemish or a flaw they panic and it takes away all their confidence.

Well, external beauty has no relation to goodness and other qualities. When we meet someone for the first time, we usually react to variety of factors other than looks. We need to stop placing too much importance on something which is just skin deep. A person must be defined by his character, his qualities and not mere looks. If your soul is not beautiful all other things doesn’t matter. Physical beauty is superficial and is not as important as a person’s intellectual, emotional and spiritual qualities. So, be beautiful not just by your looks but deep down to your soul !!!! 

WHY SOME OF US ARE LONELY ????

Close relationships play an important role in our lives. We all seek social and emotional support from our family and friends. Despite a need to establish relationships, many of us are unable to form strong bonds with others, the result is loneliness. Social psychologists define loneliness as an individuals’ emotional and cognitive reaction to having fewer and less satisfying relationships than he or she desires. In contrast, those people who simply do not want friends do not experience loneliness; they simply just desire solitude and tend to spend their leisure time in solitary activities.

The origins of dispositional loneliness include a combination of genetic factors, attachment style, and the opportunity for early social experiences with peers. By attachment style we refer to the degree of security we experience in our interpersonal relationships. It is initially developed through the interactions between infant and caregivers; it is then the infant acquires basic attitudes about self worth and interpersonal trust. Relationships that result in attachment style, which is either fearful-avoidant or preoccupied leads to negative cognitions like pessimism, self blame, mistrust of others etc. Individuals perceive themselves to be giving more than they receive. This perceived lack of reciprocity also leads to feelings of loneliness and not being sufficiently appreciated.

It is found that there is also some genetic component to loneliness. Some of us are predisposed to have more negative affects and feelings of depression, anxiety, unhappiness, fear of intimacy, feeling unappreciated etc. The third factor that results in loneliness is failure to develop social skills. We learn social skills by interacting with people. Researches show children who had attended preschool or had more play-related interactions were better at social skills and were liked more by peers. Without proper social skills people engage in self defeating behaviours like avoidance of others, stressful relationships or shyness or interpersonal aggression etc.

Well, it’s almost impossible to change one’s history by providing different genes or by altering what happened in early mother-child interaction. However, it is possible to learn and acquire new and more appropriate social skills. Some social psychologists suggest cognitive therapy where they try to alter the pattern of negativity which one has developed and encourage new thoughts, perceptions and expectations about social interactions. There are even social skills training where a person can learn how to interact with others in a friendly way, to avoid expressing anger and to make a casual conversation. Learning social skills definitely reduce loneliness to a large extent. While it is not easy to change long established patterns of behaviour and thinking but it can definitely be altered to a great extent with the help of a trained psychologist. As they say, if you want something you’ll have to try hard to get it because no one else is going to do it for you. Good luck J

SPRING CLEAN YOUR LIFE

                 DECLUTTERING CAN BE THERAPEUTIC

Have you ever wondered how energised and alive spring cleaning can make you feel. Letting things go that were occupying space not only your cupboard but your mind as well. It is both therapeutic and purifying at the same time. A cluttered home spreads negativity around us and clutter free home is a happy home. Decluttering is not mere cleaning but is the beginning of change and reorganization in our lives.

Our possessions affect our emotions, they dictate us in a way. Those little unwanted items in our cupboards control us and anchor us to our past. Decluttering our homes can help us to move on from – past relationships, old jobs, ideas that did not work. Sometimes it’s an opportunity to reconsider old forgotten things, hobbies, plans etc.  

Decluttering can be challenging and sometimes we actually end up without the real clean up. Thinking- That dress is so cute.... awww dat was a gift from my father...... I only bought it last summer.... this is so expensive....I like this color ...... I shoudn’t be throwing this away....

But “Be Ruthless” is what Milly Johnson’s “A Spring Affair” teaches us about decluttering. A spring affair is a story about Lou a woman who started clearing up her home and then moved on to clearing out her life. It emphasises the importance of decluttering and how therapeutic it can be. While by reorganizing and redefining your house you actually clear out your mind as well as your life.

Anything you own should be life-enhancing in some way. It should make you feel good and spread positivity round you. It should define you make you feel happy and not drain away your energies.There is nothing wrong with a little bit of sentimentality but holding on to everything can sometimes hold us back from moving ahead and growing in life. Ask yourself, “have I used it in the last six months and will I use it in future?” If the answer is no then throw it away without any second glance.

Start small where there's little attachment. It's easier to get rid of old newspapers and socks than an inherited ornament or a wedding dress. Be systematic and patient. Don't expect to be clutter-free overnight. Listen to your gut and be honest with yourself. As the saying goes 'If in doubt, throw it out'.

Breda, the author of Declutter Therapy says decluttering is a therapeutic process that offers many holistic and practical benefits, it helps us to cut ties with the past, accept the present and create space for the future -- physically, mentally and emotionally.

Our homes are often filled with very useful things. You can lessen any guilt of throwing away your valuables by donating to charity or recycle bins or even putting some garage sale. You can't change the fact that you've spent the money but it's healthy to let someone else enjoy these items. Someone else may need it more than you, will make you feel better. This whole process of getting unwanted things out of your life and making space for future is therapeutic.

Clear your house and clear your mind. Don’t let your life’s clutter dictate you. Throw it away and take back the control. Happy Spring Cleaning J

JONAH COMPLEX: FEAR OF ONES OWN GREATNESS

                          DO WE FEAR SUCCESS????

There would have been situations in your life where you want or wanted something badly, say some promotion, a dream job or admission in your dream university or anything like that but when such an opportunity is right there knocking at your door you just step back.  We want to achieve things, make progress but are in constant dread of making progress. Being successful is somehow fearsome. This fear of success or fear of one’s own greatness is Jonah Complex.

Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist put forward this concept the “Jonah complex” in this book published in 1971. The name comes from the Biblical story of Jonah’s evasion of the destiny to prophesy the destruction of Nineveh. Maslow states, "So often we run away from the responsibilities dictated (or rather suggested) by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, just as Jonah tried—in vain—to run away from his fate. Maslow’s complex refers to the ‘fear of one’s greatness,’ or avoiding our true destiny or calling. Maslow stressed that we fear our best as much as our worst.

We all have an impulse to improve ourselves, to move ahead in life, to grow, to reach our full potential. Then what holds us up? What blocks us? People with Jonah’s Complex have some kind of conflicts in their inner world. Some people realize these inner conflicts but in most of the cases these are repressed in the unconscious.

For Maslow Jonah complex is peoples defense to “run away from one’s own best talents” or “fear one’s own greatness”. Maslow pointed out that we fear doing our best because being at the top entails being lonely and also then they would only be able to move downwards. Hence, many of them spend their life fighting to stay away from being brilliant, fearing that if they would reach their potential it will only make them lonely and stressed. 

We all or atleast most of us fear success somehow and sometimes hold ourselves from trying, giving lame excuses to ourselves and others like .... I don't think I have it in me............ Nah!! its not for me....... I don't deserve it .... Somebody else deserved more etc.

In situations like these  Maslow used to advice, which I think is one of the most motivation phrases I've ever come across “IF NOT YOU, THEN WHO?” By this he meant that someone “has to” then why not you? We all have unused potentialities and we all can achieve and deserve much more than we think we do. Overcome your fear of growing up; acknowledge your potentialities and limitations.  Even if you are defeated, you are equally valuable. We cannot avoid unhappiness but we can surely learn to be less scared by brilliance. Always remember, whenever you feel scared and want to give up on your dreams just ask yourself, “someone has to, then why not you?”

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS AND DEPRESSION

Learned helplessness is a state where a person feels helpless to avoid a negative or unpleasant situation. This tendency is generally formed over several repeated encounters with an aversive stimuli/situation, which leads him to believe that he has no control over them. Sometimes the situation/aversive stimuli are escapable, but the person does not make any effort to get out of the situation. This happens because subsequently the person learns; all his effort will go in vain.

American psychologist Martin Seligman discovered this phenomenon of learned helplessness in an unexpected fashion. He and his colleagues were testing a particular learning theory on dogs, which involved giving electric shocks to dogs such that they couldn't avoid them. Later in the experiment, the dogs were put in open boxes from which they could escape, when given a shock. But, to the researcher’s surprise, the dogs made no attempt to escape i.e. when an animal is repeatedly exposed to an aversive stimulus which it cannot escape, it eventually stops trying to avoid the stimulus and behaves as if it is helpless to change the situation even when opportunities to escape become available.

Similarly in reactive depression a person faces series of negative uncontrollable events/stress (loss of relative/lover, failures, being dismissed from job etc). He/she feels they have no control over things that were happening to them. So, they give up trying. They learn that they are helpless and subsequently apply that piece of learning to any new situation too, even when they aren't helpless.

According to Seligman, people who suffer a series of such setbacks in life begin to believe that they have no control over any of the events in their lives’ and no matter what they do, things will turn out badly in the end. Therefore they give up trying, see themselves as failures and lose all motivation and interest in life.

The theory of learned helplessness also has been applied to many conditions and behaviours, including clinical depression, aging, violence, poverty, discrimination, parenting, academic achievement, drug abuse, and alcoholism , where a person shows a general inability or unwillingness to act, including low self-esteem, chronic failure, sadness, and physical illness.

In treating reactive depression cognitive behavioural therapy plays a vital role. The basic principle that underlies behavioural therapy is that if a thing can be learned it can be unlearned too. In case of such reactive depressions learned helplessness clearly explains why individuals may accept and remain passive in negative situations despite their clear ability to change them. Therapists here aim to break the conditioned conviction that “nothing will ever work”, by giving them simple tasks at which he/she can succeed, develop confidence and then move to harder ones.

Seligman says that the only way to help people who suffer from ‘learned helplessness’ depression is showing them that they can operate and deal effectively with their environment and are not mere victims of their fate. REMEMBER IT’S JUST A BAD DAY NOT A BAD LIFE!!!!!

HAVE COURAGE AND BE KIND: CINDERELLA

The much talked about movie Cinderella was as wonderful as expected.... have you watched it lately? Ella is different from the girls of her kingdom. She believes in the magic of kindness and power of courage, this is what makes her different. It’s her true inner beauty for which the prince falls, when he meets her in the woods before the ball.

Courage is a universally admired virtue, and courageous individuals in all cultures have survived against all odds to become the heroes of subsequent generation.

Courage is the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. Not every risk taking activity can be signified as courage. A mugger might be facing risk, uncertainty and fear but to call him courageous would be to defame the trait. Good intent is an essential component of courage. It is a part that lets us admire it and that touches us when we see it in action.

Interestingly it is this goodness or kindness that keeps us from recognising our own courage. When Biswas- Diener (positive psychologist) interviewed courageous people in his research most of them didn’t see their actions as anything special. “Anybody would have done the same thing”, they would tell them. We are courageous because it seems like the right thing to do, because it’s what we expect of ourselves or what we believe that others expect of us.

Courage can be physical, moral or vital courage. Physical courage involves the maintenance of societal good by expression of physical behaviour. Moral courage involves the preservation of justice and service of common good. Vital courage refers to perseverance through a disease or disability even when the outcome is ambiguous.  

Life is not fair, at times we are surrounded by difficult people and situations, instead of returning evil for evil choose to be kind towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for any advantage, but for that person. The Cinderella's tale teaches us to live in the present moment, enjoying simple pleasures and maintaining an optimistic attitude.

Courage and kindness is shortest route to good life.  Courage is also wisdom, knowing when to act and when not to act. Disney teaches moral values and virtues which are indeed important for leading a fulfilling life. The universal virtues of courage and kindness are basis for our wellbeing and happiness.  These virtues help us develop our full potential and lead a more purposeful life. Be the master of your own destiny. Take risks and work hard. Have courage and be kind, where there is kindness there is goodness and where there is goodness there is magic. Believe in yourself and magic will follow.

                                                         

WHAT DOES YOUR FAVOURITE COLOR SAYS ABOUT YOU (COLOR PSYCHOLOGY)

                  

What is your favourite color? What color appeals to you the most? Don’t overthink this, answer this question spontaneously. It’s okay to have two or three favourite colors. Write that down, this is the key to your personality color.

It is this instinctual choice of a color that tells a lot about your. It’s a way to understand your behaviour and personality traits, reflecting your strengths and weaknesses. The colors you dislike are also of great importance as they reflect your weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

Your personality color is usually your favourite color, the color that excites you the most and makes you feel alive when you see it and not the one which you wear most of the time. Often you will find a tendency to choose a specific color or colors, which suggests that these are your personality colors.

RED: Red is the color of energy, passion, action, ambition and determination. It is also the color of anger. People with red personality type are usually quite active, cheerful and optimistic. These people are quite competitive and are not willing to settle for second best. On a negative side they are impulsive and have lack of patience. Egoism and narcissism are also important negative traits of them. Many famous artists, actors, and vagabonds exhibit characteristics of red color personality type.

BLUE:  Blue is the color of trust and peace. It can suggest loyalty and integrity as well as conservatism and frigidity. Lovers of blue have a deep need to find inner peace and truth, to live their life according to their ideals and beliefs. The blue color personality type typically has a lot of friends, many of these friends they know from childhood. They are very loyal in all their relationships, including romantic relationships.

GREEN: According to color psychology, people with strong preference for green strive for safety, security and acknowledgement. They need to love and be loved. Green is the color of balance and growth. It can mean both self-reliance as a positive and possessiveness as a negative, among many other meanings.

YELLOW: Optimism, confidence, self-esteem, extraversion, emotional strength, friendliness, creativity are common traits of yellow color personality type. With a personality color yellow, one can be very critical of himself as well as others - they are a perfectionist. They are generally impulsive, make quick decisions and can be anxious at times.

ORANGE: Orange is the color of social communication and optimism. Physical comfort, warmth, security, sensuality, passion, abundance, fun are traits of this personality type. From a negative color meaning it is also a sign of pessimism and superficiality.

PURPLE OR VIOLET:  The person is likely to have a deep need for emotional security and to create order and perfection in all areas of your life, including your spiritual life. The color violet inspires unconditional and selfless love, devoid of ego, encouraging sensitivity and compassion but is often impractical, with a great imagination, dreaming of an idealistic future world where they exclude the ugly side of reality - tend to look at life through rose-colored glasses.

If your personality color is pink you have a deep need to be accepted and loved unconditionally.

BROWN: “Brown” people enjoy simple life, having good friends and close relationships is what makes them happy. They are friendly yet serious, down-to-earth color that relates to security, protection, comfort and material wealth.

WHITE: White is a color that is complete and pure in itself and also the color of perfection. The color meaning of white is purity, innocence, wholeness and completion. White personality type is about looking for simplicity, openness and purity.

BLACK: Black is the color of the hidden, the secretive and the unknown, creating an air of mystery. It keeps things bottled up inside, hidden from the world. Black color personality is independent and strong-willed and sophisticated. Personality color black was described by color psychologists as decisive, powerful and confident, people with this personality type will make excellent leaders or entrepreneurs.

GREY: Grey is solid and stable, creating a sense of calm and composure, relief from a chaotic world. The person is neutral about life, often to the point of being indifferent. They are often trying to protect themselves from the chaotic world, even to the point of isolating themselves from others, leaving them with the feeling that they don't really fit in or belong anywhere.

GOLD:  Gold is the color of success, achievement and triumph. Associated with abundance and prosperity, luxury and quality, prestige and sophistication, value and elegance, the color psychology of gold implies affluence, material wealth and extravagance.

SILVER: Silver has a feminine energy. It is soothing, calming and purifying, emotional, sensitive and mysterious. They are gracious, gentle, non-aggressive with strong values and morals. They are imaginative and creative, particularly in expressing themselves with written world.

HOW TO NOT LET YOUR THOUGHTS OVERPOWER YOU

Have you ever noted that one depression causing thought or cognition begins with “I’ll never......” So when you fail in some exam.... or your third or fourth relationship doesn't work out, you say “I’ll never pass this exam or I’ll never have a good relationship”. Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive therapy, would ask you to find evidence for your notions and encourage you to see that even a series of failure doesn't make you a failure.

Thinking alone doesn’t trouble, it’s the feeling associated with it which is troublesome. Ellis in his rational emotive behaviour therapy says people create problem by turning their preferences into needs. We prefer to have ...a good income, a good relationship, being attractive and thereby create beliefs of... I must have a good income, I can’t stay without a loving fulfilling relationship etc. What we do is, we jump from I like to I must. We have a rigid belief that “I need and must have the things I really want”. These ideas are what Ellis called irrational beliefs. They are absolute, rigid and demanding. These beliefs are irrational because they cannot be empirically or logically verified.

Where do these irrational beliefs come from? We are born with tendencies towards rational and irrational thinking. We have a tendency to give meaning and inferences to everything around us. We pay attention to negative information more readily than positive information. Along with the “must” thinking, self evaluation is another major cause of our distress.

Ellis Rational Emotive Therapy utilizes techniques from a wide range of approaches. However, its central technique is disputing. Disputing is logical challenging of irrational beliefs. You should attack your beliefs, find evidence for and against them. Try replacing them with more rational beliefs and ideas.

Moreover, sometimes these irrational beliefs affect our behaviour too. The effect of our cognition on our behaviour and how to tackle the same is represented by Ellis’s ABCDE model where “A” is the Activating or triggering event. “B” refers to our irrational Belief about the event at “A.” That belief then leads to “C,” the emotional and behavioral Consequences. “D” stands for Dispute or arguments against irrational beliefs. “E” stands for new Effective or rational emotions and behaviors that result from more reasonable thinking about the original event. This is an effective method to challenge ones irrational thoughts and beliefs.

Situations, events, feelings are not good or bad, it’s our perception and inferences which make them so. As I mentioned before, nothing good comes easy, you’ll have to make an obvious effort to achieve it. There is no absolute reality. Its not possible to achieve everything we want. We try, we fail, we try again ... this is how life goes. We all are fallible human beings. Ask yourself the Socratic question “So what?” So what, If your boss was rude to you? So what, if you failed in your exam? So what, if your friends think you are fat? It cannot change who you really are. Strive for excellence not perfection. Start valuing yourself. You are far more resilient than you think you are!!!!

HOW TO NOT LET OTHERS MAKE YOU FEEL BAD

There are times when others behave in a certain way that leave us feeling miserable. These emotions make you feel bad about yourself and others and take away your confidence.

Anger, jealousy and sadness are common natural emotions that we feel. These are completely natural emotional states and sometimes even serve a positive purpose like one that calls for a positive action, having rational expectations or considering pros and cons etc. It is rather how we respond to our emotions that lead to good or bad.

Our emotions and feelings in a way direct us and motivate us to process significant events in our life. They seem completely out of our control especially once they are triggered. Negative emotions are like viruses, they contaminate our normal “happy” thought processing and conditioning our mind to function on detrimental feelings and dominating our lives.

Situations like lack of money, a bad relationship, a rude boss, a hateful mother etc. are faced by most of us and its completely ok to feel bad about these situations. But this not how things go, our thoughts are constantly helping us to interpret the world around us, describing what’s happening, and trying to make sense of it by helping us interpret events, sights, sounds, smells, feelings. Without even realising it, we are interpreting and giving our own meanings to everything happening around us. We might decide that something is pleasant or nasty, good or bad, dangerous or safe. Here is when people create their own misery. We start interpreting the situation and end up feeling miserable about ourself.

We start from ....X ignored my hello... who does he think he is ... he always does this to me...everybody does this to me... everybody hates me..... I m so bad .... I hate myself .... why do I even exist and so on.

This is how we create a vicious chain of negative thoughts about oneself and others. When asked people they say it’s quite common for people to think this way and even completely out of their control and if their “others” were a little more considerate about their feelings or their behaviour could be fixed somehow, they’ll be happy.

But sadly we cannot control others, we might influence them to some extent but never control. The only person we can control is ourselves. As it is said nobody can make you feel bad without your consent, yes it is true...but it takes efforts to do so. Nothing good comes easy.

Our emotions are attached to our thoughts e.g. if you pick pink pencil colour you are bound to write pink and if you want to write blue you will have to change your pencil. This simple logic applies with us too. To feel good about a situation you’ll have to replace negative thought with a positive thought. First of all you’ll need to get hold of your immediate thought and feeling that is evoked by a triggering situation, now replace that thought with an alternate more positive thought and you’ll be left feeling better about a situation immediately.

This is a therapy which psychologists use with their clients, which I am going to write in my next blog i.e. detailed ways to control your emotions.